


On The Outside Always Looking In

by carabc03



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Deh - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ghost Connor, Graphic Description, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Overdose, Panic Attacks, Protective Connor, Sad, Some Fluff, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, also, and be nicer in later chapters, and i dont like writing him as a bad character, and might have him redeem himself, because hes my son, but it gets cute and fluffy in some parts, but theyre like in love??, connor is a ghost, cursing, dear evan hansen - Freeform, dont read if youre sensitive to suicide, eventual tree boys, for plot, hes a ghost, i hope i can make that work, i just needed him to be an ass, i love him I swear, i really do love him, idk - Freeform, im sorry, its weird, jared is kind of a total asshole in this, soft connor, sorta???, this is just really sad for a lot of it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-01 04:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11478498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carabc03/pseuds/carabc03
Summary: Connor hadn't known being dead was this stressful. If he had, maybe he wouldn't have taken all those pills. Maybe he wouldn't be a ghost, unable to communicate or interact with the living world. Maybe the only person who could see him wouldn't be none other than the tree hugging, stammering Evan Hansen.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Graphic description of suicide by overdose at the end of this chapter. I will have a bold warning before it so you can skip over it if you want. All you need to know is that Connor kills himself in that section. (If you are uncomfortable with themes of suicide, please don't read this. I don't want anyone getting hurt or upset)
> 
> That said, I hope you enjoy! Comments and kudos honestly make my day :)

Evan wracks his brain, trying to think of something positive to write, something that Dr. Sherman won't be disappointed in him for.

_Dear Evan Hansen, Today was a good day-_

No. That’s just a lie, and he doesn't have the energy for that.

_Today was an okay day-_

Except, that's not true, either. Today had been awful.

_Tomorrow will be better-_

Who is he kidding? Evan sighs, resigning himself to the fact that this letter isn't going to turn out happy and Dr. Sherman is going to be angry at him and his mom is going to give him that sad little smile she does when he’s done something wrong and she’s trying to convince him that she's still proud even though there’s absolutely nothing about him worth being proud of, all because he can't suck it up and write one decent letter.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_  
  
_Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?_  
  
_I know, because there's Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don't even know, and who doesn't know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her, maybe... Maybe nothing would be different at all._  
  
_I wish everything was different. I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean, face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_  
  
_Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,_  
  
_Me_  


********

********

“So-” Evan whirls around upon hearing the voice. He instantly recognizes it as Connor Murphy, and he casts his eyes down when he sees the other boy.

“How’d you break your arm?”

“Oh, I- I fell out of a tree,” Evan says awkwardly.

“You fell out of a tree?” Connor repeats incredulously. 

“Yeah…”

“Well, that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard,” Connor says with a snort. It sounds mean, but Evan doesn't think it’s meant to be, so he laughs softly.

“No one’s-” Connor breaks off, looking like he’s struggling to find the words. “No one’s signed your cast.”

Evan looks at his arm. “No, I know.”

“Well, I'll sign it.”

“You don't- you don't have to,” Evan mutters. It's not that he doesn't want him to; he wouldn't mind having at least one signature so that his mom thinks he has a friend. He just doesn't want to inconvenience Connor. Evan knows he’s not exactly popular, and he doesn't think Connor would want people to think they’re friends if they see the name on his cast.

Connor just shrugs. “You got a Sharpie?”

Evan hands it over, making a small noise of pain when Connor roughly grabs his arm. The taller boy scans his face as if trying to see if he’s really hurt him before turning back to the cast. He writes his name in huge, bold letters.

Evan can’t help but be grateful for the size- now it won't look so blank, and he won't be advertising his friendlessness on his arm all the time. “Oh, great, thanks.” He swallows hard when he realizes how sarcastic it sounded, but Connor doesn't look offended.

“Yeah, now we can both pretend we have friends,” Connor offers with a small smile.

“Y- Yeah, good- good point,” Evan agrees, somewhat surprised. When neither of them say anything for some time, he turns to leave, but is stopped once again by the other boy’s voice.

“Is this yours?” He's holding up Evan’s letter. 

_Oh God, he has my letter, he's going to see it and see how messed up I am and I mentioned Zoe and that’s his sister and he’s going to think I'm a freak-_

“It has your name on it - dear Evan Hansen, that's you, right?”

“Oh, oh, yeah, no, it’s just a stupid, it’s just this thing, this, this paper, I had to write, it’s-it’s for an assignment-” Evan tries to hide his terror, reaching out to grab the letter, but the panic is probably a little too evident in his voice because Connor narrows his eyes and pulls it back, eyes scanning the words quickly.

He coughs awkwardly after a second, looking up. “Zoe?”

Evan freezes.

“Is this- is this about my sister?”

“No, no, nononono-”

“You wrote this so that I would find it,” Connor concludes slowly, nodding to himself. “Yeah, you, uh, saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and printed it out so I would find it.”

“W-why- why would I do that?” Evan asks frantically, shaking his head.

“So I would read some freaky shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, RIGHT?” Connor’s voice has gone from its previous calm fury to outright shouting in a matter of seconds. “THEN YOU COULD TELL EVERYBODY THAT I’M CRAZY, RIGHT?”

“N-no, I would never-”

“FUCK YOU!” Connor shouts, storming off with the letter.

“Oh, no, please, no, no, please I need- need that back, I need it back. I can e-explain, p-please. I just need that back, so could you please, just, p-please just give it back?” Evan cries desperately to Connor’s retreating form. Panic builds inside him. What will he do with the letter?

**SUICIDE SCENE HERE. If this will bother you, please skip over it.**

Connor rushes past Zoe to his room, ignoring her startled cry. He slams the door and locks it before heading over to the drawer in his bathroom. He has all types of medicine in there, ranging from simple cough syrup to more serious drugs. He reads the warning labels on all of them, putting the most lethal ones on the counter. 

Once he’s narrowed it down to the six most dangerous types, he pulls all the caps off, pouring as many as he can into his hand and shoving it towards his mouth. He realizes quickly that he can't swallow them all, and he spits them out, taking a deep breath. He starts over, more slowly, taking only two or three pills at a time and washing them down with water from the sink. He continues this process of downing as many different pills as he can until he feels faint. His head pounds and he feels like he can't get enough air. He gasps for breath, panting desperately as his vision goes dark.


	2. Chapter 2

Connor opens his eyes and looks around. He's lying on his bed. _Dammit, it didn't work. How could it not work? I took enough pills to kill a whole family, I should be long gone._ He sits up carefully, but when he doesn't feel any immediate pain, he shrugs and gets off the bed. 

Connor slowly makes his way over to the door, reaching out to unlock it, but his hand goes straight through it. He yanks it back as if it was burned, staring intently at the hand in question. He turns it over, examining it from all angles, as if he’ll somehow find the answer hidden in his palm.

After a few seconds of processing, Connor hesitantly reaches out to try again. Once again, he can't make contact with the door. His hand just sort of phases through. _Okay, I'm high. Really fucking high,_ he thinks to himself. He cautiously presses both hands directly on the wood of the door, and when they sink through, he takes a deep breath and walks straight into it. He exhales harshly when he finds himself in the hallway. _I just passed through a solid door._

Connor begins to make his way downstairs. He's not sure what he's expecting to find there, but maybe there will be something, _anything_ that will explain what's going on. He’s tried all kinds of drugs in all different amounts, but never has he experienced anything like this.

“Zoe,” he calls when he sees her on the couch. She ignores him, staring blankly at the wall. He frowns, taking in her pale skin and the bags under her red eyes. “Zoe?” He still gets no response. He reaches out to touch her shoulder, but his hand sinks through. He jumps back. _No. No, this can't be happening. So it did work. But I'm not meant to be stuck here! I did this so I would finally be free, damn it! I don't want this!_

He sinks to the floor, just staring at his sister. She sits there, unmoving, continuing to gaze at the wall. After some time, he gets up, wondering where his parents are and how they're handling it. _Not like Larry will give a shit, but Mom is gonna be devastated. She actually cared._ He's surprised by the guilt he feels at the thought.

Suddenly, he finds himself in the office at school. He notices his parents are sitting on the couch in the familiar room. Connor frowns to himself. _What are they doing here?_ A few seconds later, the door slowly opens, and in walks that Evan kid.

“Hansen,” he snarls before remembering nobody can hear him.

Evan looks terrified. “G-good morning,” he gets out. “Um- I- Is Mr. Howard… S-sorry, I- I'm sorry, um, just, they said on the loudspeaker for me to go to the principal's office-”

“Mr. Howard stepped out,” Larry informs him, which is not helpful in the fucking slightest because Connor still has no idea why any of them are here, and he suspects Evan doesn't either.

“Oh,” Evan says carefully.

“We wanted to speak with you in private,” Larry explains. _What the hell?_ He gestures to the seat, inviting Evan to sit down. The teen obeys, but he looks absolutely terrified and seems to be making himself as small as possible.

“We’re, uh… We’re Connor’s parents,” Larry says. This statement is clearly expected to contain more meaning than Evan is getting out of it. _He doesn't know I'm dead_ , Connor realizes when he sees the confusion on his face.

“Oh,” Evan says again, looking entirely lost but like he is trying desperately not to say the wrong thing.

Larry turns to Connor’s mom. “Why don't you go ahead and…”

“I'm going as fast as I can,” she responds, sounding choked up. Connor gazes at her sadly. She's probably the only one that will actually miss him.

“That's not what I said, is it?” Larry says defensively, and it pisses Connor off. He clenches his fists, knowing there’s nothing he can do or say that they would hear.

“This is…” Connor’s mom hands Evan a piece of paper, and Connor looks over the boy’s shoulder to read it. _This is the creepy note he wrote to mess with me,_ Connor realizes. _Why are they giving it back to him?_ “Connor wanted you to have this.” _The hell I did!_

“We’d never heard your name before,” Larry puts in. “Connor never…” He trails off here, shaking his head. “And then we saw. Dear Evan Hansen.”

_Okay, what is happening here?_

“He- He gave this to you?” Evan asks, clearly unsure of what's going on. _You and me both, Hansen,_ Connor thinks.

“We didn't know you two were friends,” Larry tells him. _We weren’t!_ Connor wants to scream. _What are you doing?_ “We didn't think Connor had any friends.” Connor shoots his father a withering glare. _Gee, thanks, Pops._

“And then we see this… this letter,” Larry continues. “And it seems to suggest pretty clearly that you and Connor were- or Connor, that he thought of you as… I mean, it's right there: Dear Evan Hansen. It's addressed to you. He wrote it to you.”

_They… They think I wrote it? Why the hell would I be writing that creepy shit about Zoe?_

“You think that, um… You think that C-Connor wrote this to me?” Evan asks, glancing between the two in shock.

“These are the words he wanted to share with you,” Connor’s mom tells him gently.

“His last words,” Larry puts in bluntly, and if all the past tense they had been using when talking about him hasn't given it away, that sure has. Evan’s head jerks up from the letter, his eyes wide and scared.

“I'm sorry, what- his- his last words?”

Connor’s parents exchange concerned glances. Larry shifts in his seat, his face darkening. “Connor, uh… Connor took his own life.”

Evan stares at him in horror. “He what?” he gasps out, and to his credit, he sounds genuinely distraught. _Why is he so upset? The only times I ever talked to him were when I shoved him and blew up at him the computer lab._

“And this is all we found with him, he had it folded up in his pocket,” Larry continues, and all the pieces begin to click. _I had it with me when I died. That's why they think I wrote it._ “And you could see that he was- he was trying to explain why he was-” Larry breaks off, and Connor is surprised by how choked up he seems to be. _Woulda been nice to see that concern while I was alive._ “I wish that everything was different, I wish I were a part of something, I wish what I said mattered-”

 _What is he talking about?_ Connor looks back down at the letter over Evan’s shoulder and begins to actually read it for the first time. He narrows his eyes, turning to look at Evan as he reaches the final line. _What the hell?_

“Larry, please stop it!” Connor’s mom all but shrieks, burying her head in her hands and desperately shaking her head.

“Ok, but that's- this isn’t- I'm sorry, I'm s-sorry, Connor, uh—Connor didn't wr-write this,” Evan tries to tell them, shaking his head, his eyes wide.

 _Good. I don't want them thinking that’s mine. And maybe they’ll do something about… About Hansen feeling that way._

“What does that mean?” Connor’s mom asks urgently.

“C-Connor, Connor didn't write this.”

_God, this kid is shaking like a leaf. And here I thought he was only like that around me. Guess I'm not as scary as I thought._

“What does he mean?” She demands, turning to her husband.

“He’s obviously in shock,” Larry reasons.

_They don't believe him. How can they not believe him? How is he gonna get out of this?_

“No, no!” Evan raises his voice. “It's just- he didn't-”

Connor’s mom starts shouting over him, her voice high pitched with denial, and Larry moves to stand between the two, trying to talk over her. Connor focuses on Evan- the poor kid is stammering out a series of apologizes, his breath coming in short gasps. _You're scaring him! He already said I didn't write it, just leave the kid alone_ , Connor thinks angrily.

“This is all we have!” Connor’s mom wails, and they all fall silent. Tears are running down her face, her shoulders hunched as sobs wrack her body. _I'm so sorry._

“Please, just- just, take it,” Evan cries, his hand shaking as he moves to hand her the letter.

Connor recognizes his attempts to help, and he closes his eyes gratefully. _Thanks, Hansen. She needs all the comfort she can get._

Connor’s mom takes the letter, holding it close to her body, grief written all over her face.

_This is awful. I didn't know this would happen when I killed myself! If I had known, maybe I wouldn't have done it!_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I honestly though I posted this forever ago, but I just checked and apparently I didn't. I'm so sorry about this taking so long, but on the plus side, I have the next few chapters already written so it should be quicker in the future. Also, this chapter features Jared being a jerk, brief suicidal thoughts, and also a decent amount of cursing (because Connor), so if those things bother you, please read at your own risk. Enjoy!

The area around Connor starts to spin, and he suddenly finds himself in a small, plain room. The walls are a dull blue, and the only things in the room are a bed, a nightstand, and a closet. The sole distinctive detail about it is a large picture of a tree on the wall.

Connor jumps when the door slams open to reveal a hyperventilating Evan Hansen. He’s taking huge, sobbing breaths, and he looks more panicked than Connor has ever seen a person look. He collapses on his bed, curling into a ball.

Connor wonders briefly why no one is coming in, so he leaves the room to take a quick look around the house. No one is there. The only proof of other human life is a sticky note saying ‘don't skip dinner tonight. If you need to, ask Jared to order for you.’ attached to a twenty dollar bill on the table. Connor frowns down at it. Even his dysfunctional ass family has dinners together, for the most part. And anyway, Jared’s a dick. He's not going to help Evan out.

When he returns to Evan’s room, the boy seems to have calmed down somewhat, although his breathing doesn't sound completely normal and he's still got tear tracks down his face. He picks up his laptop, and Connor briefly wonders how he can even type with his hands shaking so badly. After a few seconds, Jared’s face floods the screen.

“H-hey. Connor Murphy… Connor Murphy killed himself.”

Jared’s eyes go wide. “No kidding! The freak finally bit the bullet?”

“Don't- don't say that!” Evan snaps, but when he realizes what he's done his face immediately turns red. “S-sorry.”

_Damn, didn't think you had the balls for that, Hansen. I appreciate it._

Jared looks mildly impressed, too, behind the irritation. “What, is he your boyfriend now? Why are you suddenly defending him?”

“I mean… he's- he wasn't a bad person, exactly. In the computer lab, he only- he only got mad b-because he thought I wrote the letter to hurt him, a-and before he found- before he found it, he was being… nice?” Evan gets out, looking down and fiddling with his cast.

Connor offers a small half smile even though he knows Evan can't see him. _Thanks, Evan._

“Well, I'll be damned, Acorn.” Jared says, eyebrows raised. Acorn? Oh, right, he broke his arm falling out of a tree. But still, kind of a morbid thing to joke about. “You actually do have a thing for our favorite school shooter!”

“Don’t say- Just, stop- stop talking about him like that! He's- he's dead, what m-more do you want?” Evan bursts out.

_You don't need to act like I'm some saint just cause I swallowed a bunch of pills. I'm not- I wasn't a good person, kid. Don't bother._

Jared actually looks angry now. “I don't even know why I'm talking to you. Honestly, why are you coming to me about this?”

_God, what an asshole. Why does Evan even hang out with him?_

“Because you're my only f-” Evan breaks off, casting his eyes down to avoid looking at Jared. “Family friend.”

“Jesus Christ!” Jared laughs mockingly.

_Well, I guess that answers that. But why does Evan put up with it? He's a decent kid, and it's not like he has some big scary reputation keeping people away from him like I do- did._

“We’re not friends,” Jared tells Evan patronizingly. “We’re not even really family friends, to be honest. You know I just hang out with you so my parents will pay for my car insurance. By the way, did you remember to tell Heidi to tell my mom I was nice to you?”

_If I could get my hands on that piece of shit…_ Connor seeths, glaring furiously through the computer screen at Kleinman’s pixelated face.

Evan frowns, and his breathing speeds up slightly again. “I don't- she hasn't been home yet. I'm- I'm sorry.”

Jared rolls his eyes. “Whatever, tell her in the morning.” With that, he ends the call.

Evan stares blankly at his laptop for a second before slamming it shut and running a hand through his hair. He then takes a deep breath and moves over to a little box on his nightstand that Connor hadn't noticed before. He carefully opens it up, pulling out two bottles of pills. He opens one, shaking a pill into his hand, and gets two from the other bottle. He swallows them dry, making a face as he does so.

_The hell is Hansen taking pills for?_

When he's taken the three pills, he moves to put the bottles away. He stares at the box for a second before reaching in and taking one of the containers out again. He pours some more pills into his hand, and then shakes the bottle again. More and more of the little orange gels fall out. Eventually he turns the bottle upside down, emptying its contents into his hand. He looks at the pills with tear filled eyes, and he's trembling so bad Connor thinks he's going to spill them onto the floor.

_He's not doing what I think he's doing, is he?_

Evan squeezes his eyes shut, taking a deep breath. He sits like that for a moment before returning the pills to the bottle and carefully placing it in the box. He then lies down on his bed, pulling a thin blanket over himself and closing his eyes, although Connor suspects he won't be getting much sleep tonight.

Connor stands over Evan’s restless body, his eyes wide as he processes what he just witnessed. _So he really is suicidal._

Connor hesitates before stretching out a hand and resting it on the kid’s shoulder. It still falls through, but Connor is surprised to notice that it's not quite as easy as it was with Zoe’s - it's more like pushing your hand through water than through air. There’s some resistance, although not much. Evan shivers, pulling the blanket more tightly over his body.

Connor moves over to the box containing the pills. “Don't do it, kid. This whole death thing isn't all it’s cracked up to be.”

Evan shoots up in his bed, frantically looking around the room.

Connor jumps back, freezing as he realizes what just happened. “Can you- can you hear me, Hansen?”

Evan’s eyes dart over to the source of the voice, and his mouth falls open in horror when his gaze lands on the dead boy.

“You can see me, too?”

“Y-y-you're dead,” Evan chokes out. “You can't- you can't b-be here.”

Connor snorts. “Well, that's what I thought too, but clearly I am.”

“How? W-why me? You hate me.”

“I don't hate you,” Connor sighs. “Now that I'm dead- I don't know. I'm the same person, but at the same time, I'm not. I'm… less angry. God, this sounds so fucking cheesy, but I can see things more clearly now and all that shit. And to be honest, Hansen, I didn't even really hate you when I was alive. I just thought you wrote the note for me to find and I blew up. I was pissed, sure, but I never hated you. I always thought you were an okay person. You just hung out with Kleinman so much I kind of assumed you agreed with the shit he said.”

Evan stares at him in shock. Whether it's because of the confession or the fact that he's talking to a ghost, Connor isn't sure, but he figures either one warrants some surprise.

After a moment Evan catches his voice. “I- I don't. Agree with Jared, I mean. Sorry, I don't… I should have- sorry.”

“Yeah, I know that _now._ I, uh, heard your conversation with him earlier. On the laptop. Where he said he was glad the school shooter finally offed himself and you defended me,” Connor explains. “Just woulda been good to know when I was still around.”

Evan winces. “I know, I'm sorry.”

“You apologize a lot for shit that's not your fault,” Connor observes.

“I'm sorry.” Evan’s eyes widen as he realizes what he just said, and something like panic crosses his face. “I don't- I know it's annoying, I didn't mean to- you don't- I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to-”

“God, calm down!” Connor snaps. He might be less angry than he was before he died, but he's no angel, and the kid’s rambling is getting on his nerves. He softens slightly when he sees the terror on Evan’s face. “Look, you didn't do anything wrong, so you don't need to apologize. That's all I'm saying.”

Evan nods, eyes wide. Connor suspects the gesture has more to do with fear than actual agreement, but he’ll take what he can get.

“Right, now that that's settled…” Connor leisurely strolls over to the box that contains Evan’s pills, and the poor kid stops breathing. He clearly knows where this is going. 

“Why the hell were you trying to kill yourself?”

Evan shakes his head frantically. “I didn't- I wasn't- I'm sorry, that's not-”

“Dude, I physically _watched_ you pour a shit ton of pills into your hand, and any idiot could tell you wanted to down them. So cut the crap and explain.”

Evan swallows hard. “I don't know,” he says in a small voice. “It's just, I'm kind of a complete and total waste of space who does nothing but hurt people and bring them down and my stupid therapy note made you _kill yourself_ and I should have climbed higher because then you would still be alive-”

Connor narrows his eyes, effectively cutting off Evan’s ramblings. “Okay, for starters, if I were wimpy enough to commit suicide over something as stupid as you having a crush on my sister I would’ve been dead a long time ago. Your letter had nothing to do with it, I had been planning to kill myself for a while. And what do you mean, you should have climbed higher?”

Evan looks down.

Connor tries to sound gentle as he says, “look, I have a pretty good guess over what you meant, but I want to hear it from you.”

“I- when I broke my arm, it wasn't ‘cause I fell out of a tree.” Evan admits quietly. “Well, I mean, I sort of did- I'm sorry, I didn't- that wasn't a total lie, I wasn't lying to you, I just… I didn't fall. I let go.”

Connor takes this in with wide eyes. Suddenly a lot of things are adding up. But wait- “Jared made fun of you falling out of the tree.”

Evan’s head shoots up. “Well, I mean, I- I guess.”

“He makes fun of your suicide attempt. He nicknamed you based off the way you tried to kill yourself.” Connor’s anger is growing by the minute. He's never liked that asshole, but he didn't think he was _this_ bad. “Why the hell do you put up with it?”

“He's all I have! What am I supposed to do besides put up with it?” Evan looks absolutely terrified when he realizes his outburst, and he stumbles through an apology that Connor ignores.

“Look, talk to Zoe,” Connor gets out. She pisses him off beyond belief, but he knows that she's honestly a decent person- to everyone but him, that is. “She’d be willing to be your friend. And her girlfriend, Alana, is alright, too. They're both better than Kleinman, anyway.”

“Why would you- I'm sorry, I just- why would you care?” Evan asks in a small voice.

“Shocking as this may sound, I'm not always a total dick to everyone,” Connor snorts.

Evan’s eyes widen as he rushes to correct himself. “No, I wasn't- I would never- I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to-”

“Don't worry about it, Hansen. I'm just messing with you, I know you weren’t saying that.” Connor has to physically suppress the urge to roll his eyes as he says this, but he knows Evan would just panic and start apologizing more if he did.

Evan lets out a sigh of relief. “Okay, good. Sorry.”

“What the hell are you even apologizing for now?”

“I mean- I implied that I- that you were a bad person and-”

“And you already apologized, thoroughly and unnecessarily, for that.”

“Still, I shouldn't have- I shouldn't have said it,” Evan says quietly. “You- I didn't know you that well, but- but I don't think- I mean, you weren’t a bad person and I-”  


“I was a bad person!” Connor snaps, done with the bullshit and the way Hansen is making him out to be some type of hero when he never did anything but hurt the kid. “The only times I ever talked to you were when I shoved you down onto your _broken arm_ , which, oh, by the way, you broke trying to fucking kill yourself, and when I called you a freak and stole your personal letter which turned out to be so goddamn depressing it was mistaken for a suicide note!” Connor is nearly shouting by the time he's done. “What about that is ‘good’ to you?”

“I don't- you weren’t- it was my fault.”

“How the hell could any of that possibly have been your fault?!”

Evan shrugs, avoiding eye contact. “You only pushed me ‘cause Jared was- Jared was calling you all s-sorts of terrible stuff and you thought- it seemed like I was, like I was laughing at you. And you- you couldn't have known that I had- how I broke my arm.”

“Oh, okay, well I didn't know _how_ you broke your arm, so it's okay that I shoved you onto it for doing absolutely nothing.”

Evan’s shaking his head. “No, that's not- I didn't- that's not what I was saying. It's just, I should have- when Jared was saying those things, I don't- I could have said something.”

“Hansen, you can't even order fucking pizza without nearly passing out. There’s no reason to expect you to get in the middle of a fight between two assholes,” Connor sighs.

“See! That's- you wouldn't- bad people don't, don't say things like that.”

“Well yay for me!” Connor snarls. “Finally being a decent fucking person only when I'm six feet under!”

Evan flinches, shrinking back from Connor’s furious form.

Connor immediately stills. “Evan, I wouldn't-” he breaks off, shaking his head. “I wouldn't hurt you.”

Evan looks back at him with fearful eyes. “No, I know, I'm sorry, I didn't- I shouldn't have- I'm sorry.”

“It's not your fault,” Connor tells him simply. “If it helps, I couldn't hurt you even if I wanted to, which, for the record, I don't. Here-” he slowly raises his hand, careful not to startle the other boy, before moving it gently down on his shoulder. When it doesn't go through as expected, Connor recoils.

“What? Did I- I'm sorry, what did I- Did I do something wr-wrong?” Evan gasps anxiously.

“No, it's just- earlier, before you could see me, I tried to touch your shoulder, and it went straight through. My hand goes through everything- and everyone- else, too. So I don't get why…” he trails off, attempting to rest his hand on the nightstand. It goes through. Evan gasps, and Connor frowns.

“So, why- what changed? What's- what's wrong with me?” Evan asks.

“Nothing’s wrong with you,” Connor says. “I don't know. Just because I'm dead doesn't mean I'm suddenly omniscient. But I think you started being able to see and hear me after you thought about taking the pills, so maybe… maybe you being suicidal and me having killed myself connected us somehow? I dunno.”

“That- that's as good an ex-explanation as any, I guess,” Evan agrees.

“Are you scared of me?” Connor asks suddenly.

“W-what?”

“Fuck, sorry, that was a dumb question. I mean, I'm the ghost of some asshole who was constantly-”

“No!” Evan cuts him off. “I mean- sorry, I shouldn't have- I didn't mean to interrupt, I- sorry.”

“Hansen, you need to work on that apologizing thing,” Connor groans, trying to hide how grateful he is that the poor guy he's apparently forced to haunt isn't scared of him.

“Right. Sorry. I mean- nevermind.”

Connor snorts.

“I just- why do you ask?” Evan inquires cautiously.

“I mean, you're always stammering and flinching and looking like I'm some crazed murderer every five seconds, so…” Connor explains with a shrug.

“No! That's not- you don't- I mean, it's not you- It's, I mean, my anxiety. It makes me- makes me act like that s-sometimes,” Evan rushes to assure him.

“Oh. Shit. Sorry, that was an insensitive thing to ask. My bad."

“It's not- you don't need- it's not your fault.”

“Hansen, to be honest you don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to apologizing for things that aren't your fault. And anyway, last I checked, I was the one who asked the question, so yeah, it is my fault,” Connor responds. It comes out more harshly than he intended it to.

“R-right. Sorry.”

Connor groans.

An awkward silence ensues, during which Evan is clearly struggling not to apologize again.

“Hang on, what do you mean sometimes?” Connor asks suddenly.

“What?”

“You said you _sometimes_ stammer and act scared because of your anxiety. It's just… when don't you?” Connor winces at how rude that sounds, but Evan doesn't look upset.

“Oh, well- I mean, I just- I guess when I'm- when I'm talking about s-something I'm passionate- I care about.” Evan explains. “And, I mean- I guess if I- if I really f-filtered myself, maybe, and t-talked, like, really slowly, I might- I wouldn't- my speech would be better.”

Connor nods. “So, what are you passionate about?”

Evan blushes. “Um… trees?”

Connor blinks slowly. “Trees.”

Evan closes off. “I know it's stupid and I- I shouldn't have- I don't even know why I said- I'm sorry, you probably don't care and it's dumb anyway, I- sorry.”

“Hey, it's not stupid, calm down.” Connor says, holding his hands up placatingly. “So… tell me something about trees.”

Evan’s eyes widen. “Are you- are you sure? I mean I know it's not- it's not that interesting and-”

“Yes.”

“O-okay.” Evan gulps before beginning. “Trees are- trees can actually d-defend themselves against things like- like bugs.” When Connor just nods for him to continue, Evan goes on with slightly more confidence than before. “They- when a bug that might be a threat gets close or lands on them, they can release these chemicals called phenolics, which can repel the bug and can affect its growth. And then they can release chemicals through the roots to warn other trees, so they start producing phenolics, too!”

Connor grins. “I've never heard you talk like that. I like it. You should talk about trees more often.”

Evan blushes furiously. “Well, see, it's just most- most people don't really want- they don't care about trees. And it- it probably annoyed you and it's okay if- if you want me to shut up-”

“Woah, woah, Hansen! What’d I just say? I like how confident you sounded, why the hell would I want you to shut up?”

Evan blinks. “Oh.”

Connor rolls his eyes.

“I'm sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.”

“I'm-” he breaks off, averting his eyes.

“Don't you dare,” Connor warns.

Evan nods, still looking down. Even though Connor can't really see his face with the way he's gazing intently at the floor, he can see that it’s turning bright red.

Connor sighs. “Okay, Jesus, you look like you're going to explode. Fine, say it.”

“I'm sorry!” Evan blurts out, looking like he wants to sink into the ground.

“Clearly this whole ‘just don't say sorry for stupid shit’ technique isn't working, so we’re gonna try something else,” Connor informs the blushing boy.

“What- what are we- what do you want to try?” Evan asks nervously.

“Nothing bad. God, Evan, it's not like I'm gonna ask you to set your house on fire,” Connor retorts, rolling his eyes at how worried he is.

“No, I know, sorry,” Evan mumbles. Before Connor can snap at him, he quickly adds, “So what- what is it?”

“Every time you say sorry, you have to explain why,” Connor explains, looking extremely pleased with himself.

Evan frowns. “But if I do that I'll- I'll just start rambling and freaking out and saying stupid- I'll say things that don't matter and I'll sound like- like an idiot and you'll realize how- realize that I'm annoying and get mad and, and hate me and leave and _oh_ I'm doing it now I'm sorry I didn't mean to.”

“Okay, there was an apology in there somewhere,” Connor says, eyebrows raised, “and I'm choosing to ignore everything else you said because it was ridiculous and untrue.”

Evan blushes.

“Back to the apology- explain why you said it.”

“I mean I was rambling and I know it's annoying and you- I'm not- you shouldn't have to listen to me,” Evan explains, looking uncertain.

“Okay, now I'm going to dissect that and explain why it was absolute bullshit,” Connor responds easily.

“You- what?”

“First off, I don't have to listen to you. I choose to. If I didn't want to listen to you, you would know by the simple fact that _I wouldn't be fucking listening to you._ I'd be elsewhere, and you'd be rambling to yourself. Since I'm still here, however, that means I want to listen to you. So don't bother worrying about that.”

“Oh- okay. I know you don't have to listen to me, I just-” he breaks off, looking tentatively up at Connor with a soft smile. “Thanks.”

Connor tries to ignore the way his stomach turns at that little smile. “Secondly, you're not annoying. This relates back to the first one, because if you were annoying, I wouldn't want to listen to you. But I do, so you're not,” he concludes the simple explanation with a shrug.

Evan smiles, and it's a little bit wider this time, so Connor returns it. “Thanks, but- honestly, I know my rambling is annoying.”

Connor’s smile drops. “How many times do I have to tell you, Hansen? You're not annoying. Honestly, it's kind of cute watching you get all worked up, except when you start panicking or worrying that I hate you. I don't, by the way.”

Evan stares at him, looking absolutely shocked.

“Don't thank me again,” Connor groans. “I'm literally not saying anything that's nice in the slightest, these are just basic facts.”

“But- you, you said- you called me cute,” Evan gets out, eyes dancing from the floor to Connor and back again.

“Your point, Hansen?” Connor prompts, unimpressed.

“Well, it's just, I don't- I don't think that's really a fact, it's- I mean, it's more an opinion, and I- I don't really think it's true?”

“You're biased, though,” Connor points out. “You're, ya know, yourself, meaning you're automatically gonna think anything positive someone says about you is untrue. I mean, no offense, but I'm not really giving your opinion a lot of sway here. I'm offering a fresh, outside perspective, and I think you're cute so just let it be.”

Evan smiles, and his blue eyes light up. Connor knows he still doesn't believe it, but at least he looks happy.


End file.
